A Grownup Sign - March 9, 2023 | Kids Out and About Memphis <

A Grownup Sign

March 9, 2023

Debra Ross

One of the best things my husband and I did when my kids couldn't yet talk was to teach them baby signs. We started when they were a few months old; by the time they were about a year old, before they could verbalize concepts like "more" or "eat" or "sippy cup," their signs let us know exactly what was on their minds. It allayed frustration and made us all feel more connected. One of the most important signs we taught them was "HELP!" For that, we used a simple hand raise. No screaming, no whining, just a nice easy signal. It worked great.

Of course, we want to encourage our kids to be appropriately independent starting right when they're babies, and to experience the pride of doing hard things on their own. But that sense of accomplishment has a flip side: It can trick us into thinking that there is shame in needing assistance. So over the years, we lose our ability to ask for help. In fact, the value of seeking help when it's needed was one of the most important things I had to re-learn as an entrepreneur.

A good way to show kids how to ask for help is to have them watch you asking for help yourself. It's a delicate balance, though: You don't want them to see you demanding help—you don't want to act entitled—and you don't want to act helpless (that's scary for kids); you simply want to convey, happily, that people help each other, so when it's difficult to do it on your own, seeking help is smart. Asking your toddler to carry a bag of carrots as you're bringing in groceries, asking your elementary-school-aged kids to help you organize the basement, asking your teenager to figure out the new TV settings, pointing out why you hire experts—the accountant or the mechanic or the doctor—and also cheerfully offering your own assistance without being pushy when you see people struggling... this helps prepare kids to be on both sides of the helping equation.

The most important thing I have tried to convey to my kids is that asking for help from people is a give-and-take rhythm of living together on Earth: Ideally, we give first, abundantly, before asking for a favor. I describe it to my kids as how we stay on the side of the angels, depositing as much as we can into the bank before making a withdrawal. Being able to do that is a milestone of maturity.

Call it a grownup sign.

Deb